Dear Dating Doctor:
I have been seeing a very handsome and nice guy for the past four months. Recently, he has made two offers for me to travel with him on "vacation." He won an all-expense paid trip to the Caribbean for being a top salesman and has a huge trade show in San Francisco in September. He would like for me to attend both and stay with him as his guest. I am concerned that it might mess up a good thing. What do you think?
Able but not quite ready to travel
Dear Not Quite Ready:
I'll bet that you have had to occasionally pinch yourself. How exciting --how tempting! The Caribbean and San Francisco. Two of the most beautiful and romantic places to visit in the world, plus, you'd be going free. I'm sure that every person you have told has undoubtedly said, "you are so lucky --Go!"
My suggestion is not to go. By the fact that you have written me, you have indicated that deep down you are not comfortable with the idea of staying with someone you really don't know for an extended period of time. And why should you be? You have only known this man for four months. Yes, these "vacations" could go well and propel you directly into a long-term relationship full of such meaningful trips. Conversely, it could turn out to be disastrous and lead to the swift and painful termination of a budding relationship. Is visiting these two places worth finding out? That is a question only you can answer.
You never quite know another person until you spend a great deal of concentrated time with them. You learn their daily routines, mannerisms and what they value. Certain people totally relax while on vacation. They follow no set schedule and move "whichever way the wind takes them." Others, follow a pre-determined agenda of places to visit, activities to undertake and restaurants to enjoy. To miss any would be unacceptable. Hopefully your personality types would mesh and either the wind or an agenda would guide you.
Staying together for several days will drive to the forefront important and potentially awkward issues that you both need to discuss. Are you prepared to be indebted to another person for what amounts to thousands of dollars worth of free travel? Will it change how you feel about him? In your mind, will you owe him anything to repay his kindness? If he proposes physical intimacy, what will your decision be? If your answer is no, are you prepared for his reaction?
Too often, people misread an invitation to a vacation as a prelude to an engagement, marriage or a "serious commitment." Be careful not to mistake his intentions or provide him with an opportunity to misread yours.
If you decide to go, please adhere to a few suggestions. Let your family and friends know your detailed schedule. Communicate with them daily. Have him checked out. There are several top agencies in town who, within 48 hours and for under $100, can tell you his freckle count. Absorb some of the costs. Take some ownership so that you are not totally in his debt. And finally, stay in your own room. The respect you gain from him for this move might just have you re-visiting either location on your honeymoon.