Dear Dating Doctor,
What does it mean when a woman shows some interest in you but won't commit to going out regularly or to having any type of on-going relationship with you? I know she has dated others in the past because she mentioned it. I feel like I am getting mixed signals and am quite confused. Please help!
Sincerely,
Helpless
First, don't let your imagination run away with you. It is easy to allow self-doubt to creep into our thinking and believe that it is something we lack that is keeping the other person from showing a sincere, more permanent interest in us. Here are some possible reasons that she is hesitating:
- She may still be getting over someone else or was in a relationship for awhile and is not looking to jump back into one too quickly. If she had been dating someone else, you need to give her two months for every year they were dating before you can expect her to be ready to date you or anyone else. In other words, if she dated a gentleman for 3 years, give her six months to "clear and close" that relationship and be ready to date again. It might just be a "speed bump" and for all you know they may be trying to reunite.
- You may not be her type (and that is okay!). There are 3 types of love: Eros (Erotic), Agape (Heartfelt) and Philia (Friendship). She may see you as a friend and enjoy your company, but not be romantically attracted to you. Physical chemistry and compatibility is usually either there or it isn't and it is out of your control if it isn't. Or, she could be very attracted to you physically, but not feel the other connections that are necessary to consider a long-term relationship.
- She may love playing the field and being "free and available." For all you know there may be 3-5 other men that she is leading down the same path. If you call her bluff and ask her to consider making things more permanent, you must prepare to hear both the answer "sure" as well as "no thanks" and to move on either way.
- She may lack the confidence necessary to enter into a more "full-time" relationship. She may lack experience or have experienced repeated relationship failure and be hesitant to enter into another one.
- She could be shy or confused herself. Perhaps you have not been as clear and forthcoming as you could have been. For all you know, she might want to ask me the exact same question you did.
- She could be gay/lesbian and see you as a friend and nothing more.
Whatever the reason, you must back off and give her an opportunity to think about you and miss you. If you remain the aggressor, she may feel smothered and see you as more of a hindrance than an opportunity.