Dear Dating Doctor:
I am 26, attractive and have a great job and career. I find however that men in my age group don't ask women out. "Dating" seems to have gone by the wayside. Do you think that women's attitudes and the feminist movement have confused men?
Lonely and Not Liking It
Dear Lonely:
Women are perplexed all across America because the answer to your question is yes --men are confused (and so are women) as to what they perceive as politically correct dating practices.
lthough the feminist movement has seen more active days (since most of what they espoused is now an accepted mindset), men have excellent long-term memories and are still attempting to sort out where they stand socially with women.
Certain men may be intimidated by the fact that you are attractive and are anticipating that they will be rejected as not good enough to approach you. Others may be hesitant because you have established such a successful career or may live by the motto, "I can't get rejected if I don't ask!" If they refrain from asking you out on a date, they can't get "dissed."
Men are confused. Should they sincerely compliment women at work, at lunch, at the gym or bookstore or will their advances be perceived as harassment? Should they be the aggressor and approach women about a social opportunity or wait for the perfect moment to suggest a joint venture where they can go "Dutch" (as not to offend her sense of independence)? Should they make a concerted effort to "pick up the tab" (an expected behavior learned from their parents and grandparents over decades) or quickly concede so that real or perceived expectations do not surface? This, men claim, makes them appear cheap, uncaring and non-committal.
This confusion among men has spawned the "brother, not lover" mentality. Straight, single men who prefer simple platonic partnerships (and a peck on the cheek) to physical and emotional interpersonal intimacy. There is less opportunity for misunderstanding and disappointment.
What's the answer? Communication, assertiveness and flexibility by both men and women. Don't be hesitant to ask men out. Simply make eye contact, smile and say "Hello." You will only have to do it once. They'll take it from there. Be clear about your expectations and desires up front. Men follow directions quite well, it is trial and error that we're not very comfortable with.
Let him know that you appreciate being treated like a lady (as long as it is his nature to do so), but still desire the freedom to live independently. In short, men and women need to stop playing games and end the madness. Life is far too short.