Dear Dating Doctor:

I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year. Yesterday, I accidentally found out that he has flirted with women on the internet and has even planned a "blind date" with one of them tonight. I am hurt and can't believe that he is doing this to me- to our relationship. Why would he do this to me? When does flirting become cheating? Men have approached me, but I have always said no as we have been in a relationship. Now I feel like a fool. Please help! -WL

Dear WL,

First, I feel for you that this has happened to you. You are not alone as this same scenario repeats for countless men and women every day. My guess is that if you look back and focus on his words and actions over the past few months, this should not have been the "surprise" it has been for you. Most cheaters send out very strong signals that indicate their intentions. In fact, many want to get caught and get it over with, but through our own denial, we choose to ignore their signs rather than accept the possibility that they might be real.

The disturbing part is that had you not "accidentally" found out, this could have and would have gone on indefinitely. This might only the "tip of the iceberg" as to how deep his cheating goes. For all you know there are many women he has been with or has been dating, text messaging, instant messaging, cell phoning, leading on, setting up clandestine meetings with, etc. Well, if you don't play games then you can no longer date or be with this person as he is a classic cheater and probably a professional "player." He is way out of your league as you can't even fathom doing once the things he does every day that have become a part of his character or lack thereof.

To answer your direct questions....

Flirting becomes cheating when...

• Your partner could not show you a text message, instant message, email or let you hear a voice mail as it would hurt you to see or hear their words they've shared with others.
• They would take the other person up on a clandestine rendezvous if their advances were reciprocated
• They have given up their heart, mind, body or soul to another person and have developed real and romantic feelings for them
• They have been with another person romantically and/or physically.
• They have repeatedly communicated with another person, romantically or otherwise, behind your back.
• They constantly monitor your location to make sure they can't or won't get caught in the act with their cheating counterpart, even if just via phone or messaging.
• Their flirting begins to focus solely on one person of interest, potentially leading to a relationship with that person.

Why would he be cheating on you? Here are some possible reasons:

• He has lost interest in dating you or being with you but keeps you around to meet his needs, wants and desires. You are his Plan B and you have been put on Lay Away.
• He would be jealous to hear of you being with someone else, but sees no problem doing it himself.
• He is no longer physically attracted to you or romantically interested in you.
• He is gutless and can't tell you to your face that he wants out of the relationship.
• He may feel smothered or bored by you, by the relationship or by the two of you together.
• He is a "fox hunter" and loves the thrill of the chase.
• He parents cheated on each other and it is "all that he knows." To him, it is normal behavior.
• He is addicted to sex or gets a spike in his self-esteem or a feeling of euphoria from cheating. He is a cheating "junkie."
• He is a player and likes to have several options available to him at any one time.
• Cheating on you brings more intensity to the other relationships that he is able to foster behind your back because "they shouldn't be happening."
• He is simply a selfish and despicable human being.

People ask me all the time...."Once a cheater, always a cheater?" Usually, the answer to that question is "yes." The chances go up dramatically for a "yes" if you immediately take him back with out any repercussions for him. It is the same reason that we don't reward a puppy for messing up our floor when they are young and being house trained. The puppy will do this over and over again as he feels it is okay and that he may actually be "pleasing" us. Messing with your heart, mind, body and soul is not "okay" and he needs to hear that... directly from you...in no uncertain terms. You will not be free and joyful until you remove this negative influence from your life (Not in a harmful way...Do not sink to his level!). He does not deserve space in your life and in your heart if he continues to act like this or won't come clean and make amends for what he has done to you and your relationship. Cheating with intent is the same thing as being unfaithful and that is hard to accept and live with. Only over a long period of time will it become clear if he is rehabilitated or a lifelong, chronic cheater.

I wish you the best. Good luck.

David

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