On a daily basis, I receive at least one email which asks, "How much time should I give the person I am interested in to get over (insert one of the following: a divorce, the death of their spouse or partner, starting a new job or moving to a new home and/or city) before I begin to date them and get serious with them?" The answer is, it depends and is different for every person.
The four scenarios listed above are consistently rated at or near the top of the greatest challenges and stress-inducers we will face during our lifetime. Any one of these factors alone takes ample time to adjust to, however, when they are combined in any way the amount of time needed to acclimate and adapt could multiply greatly. For instance, if you are interested in someone who has recently gone through a divorce and also accepted a new job in a new city and moved into a new residence, their attention will and should be focused on acclimating to those changes, not on a new relationship. Relationships are hard enough when both people can adequately focus on one another. When other factors figure into the equation it can be even tougher.
Here are a few suggestions to consider and ponder:
- Give people at least 6 months to a year to BEGIN to deal with the loss of a spouse, love interest or partner. More than likely, they developed a rhythm with that person that is now broken. It may take them several months just to settle into a new lifestyle and that doesn't even take into account giving them time to grieve over their loss. Plus, there is often some guilt associated with dating someone new after losing someone you love. The heart, head, and soul need time to heal in order for a person to begin to make logical, sound, and well thought out decisions again.
- Give someone at least 3 months to familiarize themselves with a new job, new residence or new city. Again, when these compound, add another month for each addition. For example, if they have a new job in a new city and moved into a new house, give them at least 5 months to get their bearings and develop a life movement pattern with which they are comfortable.
The bottom line is that you want a relationship with this person and you must understand that when they face major changes in life, it may take more time than you expect. Exercise patience, exhibit love and support, but if, in their eyes, you become a mother, father or caregiver, they may lose romantic interest in you. You want to be around, just not the rebound.